Change those stars!

One of my all-time favorite movies is A Knight's Tale. When we watched it a few years ago, one line stuck in my head, and even now, not a day (or at least a week) goes by without me thinking about it. It makes me want to be a better person; become the person I was meant to become. The line?

"Go and change your stars."

Spoken from a very poor father to a young son that he could see true greatness in. Greatness beyond barely surviving. And the son did go...and change his stars.

That line, that lesson, pierces my heart every time I think about it. It gives me great hope and excitement at times, but at other times, almost angers me because I see days coming and going, and I'm NOT changing my stars.

I'm...surviving.

Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing husband, and 2 wonderful kids. I'm a wife and mommy...something that for the first 25 years of my life I never thought I'd be. And yes, there are good times. There are wonderful times. But it can be so much more. I can be so much more. I feel like I'm doing the bare minimum. Hugging my kids, nurturing my husband, going to bed. In between that all is...stuff. Crappy, icky, guilty, stressful, STUFF. Stuff that drains me. Stuff that I keep right on the surface, so there's no room for anything else.

Surviving.

Surviving just isn't enough anymore. I have dreams. I have goals pushed so far back in my mind that the thought of achieving those goals overwhelms me to the point of depression. I have talents that I am obligated by my Heavenly Father to use, but terrified that I've buried them so deep that they're gone forever. Projects that as I plan them out in my mind, I get so excited and passionate about (if only for the 15 minutes I spend thinking about them), but lack of energy pulls me back down on my behind.

So, here, at 4:49 am...because my mind wouldn't hit the off switch, I will list some of these things that make me the person I want to be. (Or perhaps, the person I already am, but just not "out loud" yet.):

• I'm a writer--I have dozens of ideas for great works, and work diligently on being published
  
• I leave cute little notes for my husband to find
• I bake cookies with my boys
• I'm bringing up my boys in the way of the Lord
  
• Instead of yelling at my boys to get out of the mud puddles, I go out and get muddy with them (thanks for pointing that one out, Michael!)
• I'm a great sibling
  
• I am genuinely thankful
  
• I'm a public speaker and share my story wherever I can
• I pray out loud daily
• I read my scriptures daily
• I attend the temple monthly
  
• I serve serve serve--I act on ALL promptings about this
• I'm a great friend and listener
• I know my worth, and act as such
  
• I'm very bubbly and outgoing

Wow. Longer than I thought. I could go on and on and on (wow), but suddenly I feel tired (finally) and am off to get some sleep. Writing...who knew? (ok, ok...I did)

Hopefully as I write more and more in this blog, it'll help me see myself that has been hiding for so long, and I'll be able to really and truly change my stars!